Some of the following tips and tricks might be useful – but some are kind of criminal…

• If you want people to stop letting their dog poop on your lawn, don’t put up a “no dogs allowed” sign or a “please pick up your dog’s poop” sign. Put up a “Lawn Recently Treated with Toxic Pesticides”.
• When I was 16, a friend and I created a website with fake reviews of concerts in the Washington, DC area that we didn’t actually go to. Once we had built it up to our satisfaction, we used it as credentials to gain backstage access to a huge DC area music festival three years in a row.
• My dad would keep an orange vest and an orange flag in his car when we would go to sporting events. After the game, when the lot was full of angry drunk drivers, even getting someone to let you in was a real pain in the … My dad would have me or my brother jump out with the vest and flag and stop traffic, so he could get in the line. Then we would jump back in the car.
• Need new tires? Rent a car with the same bolt pattern and swap the wheels.
• In order to be a good liar, you need to convince everyone that you are a bad liar.
• If you have to bury a body, do it vertically, satellites look for 6 ft long holes and mark them for investigation, also, bury the body under a dead dog, sniffer dogs will mark that spot and when they dig it up and find the dog, they will mark it as a false positive and move on.
• When meeting someone, tell them you are twice as far away from them as you actually are, and are willing to meet halfway, I.e. a block away from where you currently are.
• To dominate someone in a conversation stare at their forehead questionably.
• I used to keep a cup from McDonald’s in my car at all times and whenever I was driving and wanted some soda I would just walk into any MacDonald’s and refill my cup. I did this for weeks.
• Want to eavesdrop on someone? AirPods have a “Live Listen” feature that turns your iPhone into a microphone. Leave your phone charging in the room you want to snoop in on and listen in remotely.
• If you’re stuck on an annoying call, put your phone on airplane mode instead of hanging up. The other person will see “call failed” instead of “call ended”.
• When I was going to college I would walk over to Whole Foods and get some of their most expensive grass-fed bone-in rib eye steaks from the meat counter. The butcher would wrap them up and slap a price tag on them. If I was getting meat for a BBQ this was sometimes upwards of 200 bucks. Then I would walk over to the bulk grains, put the meat on the scale, and hit print for something like oats. I’d cover the existing label on the meat with my much cheaper oats label, and proceed to self-check-out. It would ask you to scan the Barcode, and then place the item in the basket. Got a bunch of meat for the price of oats.
• Need a new windshield because yours is cracked? Find a gravel-hauling company, scope out their truck routes, get behind one, and then claim gravel fell off their truck and damaged your windshield.
• If you’re hungry and it’s between 6 am-8 am you can get free continental breakfast from pretty much any hotel you walk into. It helps if it’s busy.
• When I know I’m going to be late for something, I’ll call ahead and tell whomever I’m meeting that I was just pulled over for speeding. Thus giving myself an excuse for being late, and demonstrating my commitment to whatever it is I’m late for. It usually works pretty well.
• When career hunting, flagging Craigslist posts as spam after applying, or taking down flyers for a position (like at a college campus). cuts down on the competition.
• The clearance rack in the store, I hear those markdown labels can roll right off if you master the technique. They remain quite sticky. You can stick them on top of the standard ticket barcode.
• If your girlfriend has an annoying friend you want her to stop being friends with, just casually mention how pretty she is.
• I once got a parking ticket and instead of paying it I dipped it in water, crumpled it up, and had my girlfriend bring it to the police station a week later saying she found it on the street. I went online to see if the citation was still there and it was gone.
• It’s very awkward to say no. If you go to a fast food place for example and you simply lie and say that there was a Big Mac missing from your order during lunch rush and that your receipt got thrown away with your meal, they’ll give you another one.
• If you want free parking, find a garage that makes you take a ticket to keep track of how long you’ve been there. When you leave, instead of giving the machine the original ticket you took, go get a new one and give that one to the machine. You’ll only be charged for like 5 minutes of parking, which is usually free.
• Want free parking near your college campus? Find an older person who lives near campus and doesn’t drive & befriend them.
• If you have a significant unexplained employment gap that is hurting your resume claim that you were providing full-time end-of-life care for a grandparent (or other older relative).
• Buy clothes at Goodwill and sell them to Plato’s closet.
• Call up your TV provider, and tell them you want to stop using them. To keep your business they will offer extra channels. When the channels run out, repeat the process. I have had NFL Sunday Ticket on DirecTV for 3 years straight now for free.
• When buying something on Craigslist, I use my spam email to lowball the seller by a lot, then I use my regular email to give a reasonable offer that is still a good amount under the asking price. I almost always have my offer accepted.
• If you’re renting and make a mark on the wall, change the date on your phone, and take a picture to show it was like that when you moved in.
• When lying, always include something slightly embarrassing, or something that makes you look bad, as part of your story. It’s not only going to disarm their skepticism (admitting to something embarrassing gives an impression of humility), but even if they remain skeptical, they’ll be left wondering why you would make something up that you’d rather keep secret if it were true.
• Struggling to write a CV or can’t get a particular job? Post fake job offerings on recruitment websites for that position you’re interested in and watch the CVs/resumes pour in, which you can then copy for your own advantage.
• Don’t call into work “sick”. Call in saying that you have “family problems”. That’s the end of the discussion.
• You can take as many mini bottles through TSA as will fit in a quart-sized plastic bag. They are like $1.50 at the liquor store, compared to $7 on the plane, or even save them and refill them at home for even cheaper. Ask the flight attendant for the whole can and a cup of ice. Make sure to mix them in your drink when the flight attendant isn’t looking, as this is against FAA regulations. Put the empty minis back into your bag and not the seat pocket.
• If you’re doing something you shouldn’t, confidence is key. You can just walk out of a store holding what you stole and be fine if you know how to act (and have a basic knowledge of how the store works.) Bonus: trespass with an orange safety jacket, nobody questions the orange safety jacket.
• If you ever go to a country concert, wear something that implies you are in the military… you won’t pay for a drink the whole night.
• Looking to buy a car? Search the obituary for the phone number and call. They could be looking to liquidate assets quickly and sell cheaply.
• Always book your hotel room with the prefix of Doctor. When the morning crew pre-assigns rooms for that day’s arrivals, they are likely to put you in a nicer room to avoid an unhappy pretentious Doctor gossiping about being next to the elevator.
• The first trick I learned in the FBI: If you’re on a stakeout and you want someone to stop looking at you or think you’re not looking at them – pick your nose. They immediately turn away and think you’re just some jerk picking his nose.
• Want to steal something in a secure building? Buy a wheelchair and put crap in your lap (the cardboard boxes for paper reems work well and can be gotten for free). Roll up to the door behind someone and they’ll hold the door for you. No need for a key card.
• Need flowers for your significant other? Cemeteries have you covered.
• Put clear skateboard grip tape over your license plates. Yes, people will be able to read it easily, but, cameras that flash (speed cameras) will only get a bright blur.
• You can pretty much go anywhere in a hospital if you’re carrying delivery food and an invoice.
• Have a large, “professional-looking” camera. Get a bright vest that says “press” on it. Make an ID. Go to town. Almost free access anywhere.
• At a crowded bar, and can’t get a seat? Go up to the hottest woman there, and hit on her. She’ll leave in disgust, and you can take her seat.
• If you swear on automated voice systems, it can get you a human to talk to you instead.
• If your boss asks you to do a shift on your day off, just tell them that you’re drunk. They can’t legally allow you to come to work if you’re intoxicated.