The Right Pitch

About a week ago I could not avoid it any more – I had to repair our toilet because it was just filling too slowly. A visitor was expected and we were not sure if he might perhaps need two flushes and then he would have to spend an extra 15 minutes in the bathroom just to wait for the tank to fill up again.

While changing the fill-valve, kneeling in front of the bowl in reverence of this miracle of modern technology and regulation, I could not help my imagination wandering off and taking a look into the future …

… There I was – sounding off well above the permitted sound levels! I had learned very early that I could, sitting on that bowl – its cavernous inside acting as a resonance-body – create crashing thunders rolling throughout the bathroom – and probably turning heads on the other side of the street.

Why do I do this – am I an anarchist?

Beside exceeding the regulated sound limits, I also remove flow reducers in the shower heads.

Again – am I an anarchist?

I even hold down the lever on the toilet tank until the whole tank is empty instead of using only my federally mandated 1.6 gallons per flush by only briefly tapping the lever.

Maybe also because I am an anarchist?

Or am I merely a misfit? Whatever it is, I am sure that in ten years I will be much more than just a misfit – I will be a criminal.

Let’s fast forward to 2017…

It’s now only three years ago that the first man was put to death by humane drowning for tweaking his toilet to 1.9 gallons of water per flush. He had been very smart by even faking the federal markings on the water tank, trying to fool the flush inspector. But with the inspector’s highly accurate flush-meter – that only costs the tax-payer a measly $13,998.99 – he was quickly caught, and the fact that he had gone through all this effort of hiding his acts, gave the jury proof beyond reasonable doubt that his intentions were bad – real bad and that he had not been willing to give his share to make this world a better world.

Unfortunately for all the many souls that came after him during these last three years the sample he set was not scary enough and we, the tax-payers, had to pay for all the water to drown these poor souls that objected or ignored these sensible regulations.

I personally had learned my lesson from all these criminals’ fate and today I’m in no danger any longer – I am neither a misfit nor an anarchist and certainly not a criminal. I reinstalled all the flow limiters and got all new and federally approved toilets – I went all the way. Not only did I get rid of the tank with my tweaked markings (yes, I was guilty of that as well), I also got new bowls to be sure that they don’t exceed the federally mandated maximum sound amplification.

No more than 10dB – NO SIRE!

But how will I ever get the pitch right? This is the last thing I have to work on to become a well adjusted citizen.

It makes so much sense, 498 to 511 Hertz for men and 617 to 691 for women. Shivering I remember a time about ten years ago when I blew off winds without any pitch control whatsoever, sounding like thundering white noise. How much could I have hurt the development of children playing on the other side of the street. Remorse still fills my heart.

Again, then I was a misfit – maybe even an anarchist – today I don’t want to be a criminal. So maybe I really have to go to one of the federally approved wind-breaker schools to get the control required to finally not hurt our children’s development any more.

Please wish me luck that I get the pitch under control when blowing off – it’s for our children!