Tag Archives: joke

Standard Jokes

We all get into the situation occasionally where we have to, or at least should, tell a joke. In those instances it has been proven very advantageous to have a standard joke – something you always remember – just because – it is ‘standard.’

For many years now I have the following standard joke:

Two idiots walking down the street.
Says the one ‘Now I want to walk in the middle!’

One of the hallmarks of a standard joke is brevity, just in case you audience has heard you tell it ten times before and you want to be done before they start complaining. In this regards, my standard joke did a good job.

But now I might have a worthy contender, thanks to Flemming:

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop –
“Can you make me one with everything?”


Political Realities

This came across my desk today and in light of the current campaigning and the election coming up not too far in the future I thought that I share this as a reminder…

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time. and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and the smell gags him; the land is barren with crap, waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, with open sores boils, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and garbage and putting it in black bags as more trash falls on them from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

“I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”

So, please always keep this story, which is, incidentally, totally true, in mind when you hear a politician paint a bright future under his rule before you go to the polls.