Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He’s all right now.
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, “Daddy, I want a new apartment”.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
What do you get from a pampered cow?
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an “A” bra
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
And what kind of lettuce?
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones
- The bandage was wound around the wound.
- The farm was used to produce produce.
- The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
- We must polish the Polish furniture.
- He could lead if he would get the lead out.
- The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
- Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
- A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
- When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
- I did not object to the object.
- The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
- There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
- They were too close to the door to close it.
- The buck does funny things when the does are present.
- A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
- To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
- The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
- After a number of injections my jaw got number.
- Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
- I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
- How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why,when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
P.S. Why doesn’t “Buick” rhyme with “quick”?
- Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people — whether they are employed or not.
- At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
- Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
- If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
- Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
- It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off — even while scuba diving.
- You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the German.)
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
- Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
- Police departments give their officers personality tests to makesure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
- When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
… but were afraid to ask.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I’m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home… maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. (“Honey, I’m home… What the….?!”)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes… can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm……..)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing….)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew?!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)
A Youtube video by Niko’s Wings of a night approach and landing at Chicago’s O’Hare reminded me that I had done a similar stunt a bit further west at LAX.
If you have no first-hand experience with the navigation of the airways you will not know that landing at one of those big airports like O’Hare is virtually impossible for a private pilot with one fan in front.
You sometimes get routed through a Bravo airspace (the highly protected space around major airports) but to enter, you have to get explicit permission in the form of a clearance like “Piper Warrior N8300L cleared to enter Bravo airspace.” But landing at the airport that this Bravo airspace protects, you don’t’ even think about it – – – normally.
But maybe I am not normal. So, in the 90s, I was playing in the airspace west of Burbank – my home airport, one late night, probably after 1 am. The radio was quiet most of the time and suddenly the idea hit me – why not shoot a practice approach into LAX, just 20-30 miles to the South-East.
So I tuned into LAX approach (now SoCal approach) – “LAX approach, PA28 N8300L, request!” I might have woken up the controller but he came back shortly “N8300L, LAX approach, go ahead.”
I gathered all my courage and asked for a practice-approach into LAX. Unfortunately, the answer was that no practice approaches are permitted at LAX. But – – – you can have a full stop landing. Wow – that was even better! For all you non-flying peeps, a practice-approach is the pretense to land at an airport as if there were clouds so that you have to land only using your instruments. Then, when you are close enough to ensure a safe landing, you give full power and get out of there – often turning around, flying another approach – that’s why it’s called ‘practice’ approach.
Now, really landing at LAX with my Piper Warrior – that would be something to tell the grandchildren about, many, many years later.
So, yes, Sir – I’ll take that approach and landing at LAX!
I got my clearance into the Bravo airspace and radar vectors to the ILS Runway 24R. (ILS stands for Instrument Landing System – a radio signal coming from the beginning of the runway that guides us down to the landing zone vertically and horizontally.)
And then I flew like a young god – holding my assigned altitude within 50 feet and pegged my directional gyro exactly where the controller had told me. I intercepted the ILS and slid down towards 24R.
Then it was time to switch from approach control to tower. Just saying “Los Angeles tower, Cherokee 8300L with you for 24R” grew some serious hair on my chest.
But I did not get to complete my landing at LAX after all. Tower told me that I should finish my approach and then fly a missed approach. That was the friendly way of giving me my practice approach without violating their rule that there are no practice approaches at LAX. It might have been a bit of a loss for me but, on the other hand, I might have owed LAX a landing fee.
I was handed over the approach control again which guided me out of the Bravo airspace and shortly I landed at my home base Burbank, tied down and went home a hero.
My little sister send me the question who might be depicted by this emoticon…
and gave me the hint that putting ‘Heil’ in front of it would make it easier.
Youtube can keep you entertained for a long time if you are looking for stand-up comedy, but often it can be as painful some of the experiences I had at the Open Mike nights at the Natural Food Cafe (I think that’s what is name was) on Fountain Ave in Hollywood.
Here is one example of an act – Bryan Callen’s wish to be a Hero – that I have already watched a few times and just don’t get tired of…
A few puns I ran into – so funny!
- I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
- When chemists die, they barium.
- Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
- A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
- I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
- How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
- I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
- This girl said she recognized me from a vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
- I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
- I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
- They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
- PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.
- Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
- Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
- Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.
- I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
- How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
- What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
- When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
- What does a cock do when It’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
- Broken pencils are pointless.
There was, apparently, somebody called Rocker 13666 on Reddit who created a list of the worst music videos uploaded to Youtube ever. I learned about this on GeekBeat but could not find the original post on Reddit, so, in order to preserve this list for posterity, I record it here:
- It’s So Cold in the D
- Beavis and Butt-Head – It’s So Cold in the D
- IceJJFish – On The Floor
- I Don’t Wanna be a Crappy Housewife
- Double Take – “Hot Problems”
- Zanger Rinus: ‘Met Romana op de scooter’
- Sateliti – Audi
- The Divine David ‘The World Is Burning Let’s Masturbate’
- Rick Astley – Never Gonna Give You Up
So – how was the pain – you masochist!
Oh, just one little bonus – a GE light bulb commercial…