Aug

23

100 Essential and Obvious Marketing Tips

The following list is neither new nor ground-breaking – it is simply obvious. But as obvious things are often overlooked I assemble and present it here – mostly to remind myself…

Listen: You have one mouth and two ears. Let that dictate
how much you use both.
Stay In Touch: Make a decision to contact all your past clients
at least once a month. If you don’t, guess what? Your competition will.
Differentiate Yourself: Why should someone buy from you? What
makes you different from everyone else? It is better to be more
significant than you are a “nice, trustworthy, cuddly, sincere…”
Ignore The Competition: If you are looking at them or worried
about them at all, your focus is in the wrong direction. You should make
dealing with you so much more powerful that competition doesn’t even
exist.
Control Your Mind: Whatever helps you stay positive is what you
need to do first thing in the morning and the last thing you do before
you see a prospect. For me it’s loud music. I put on a good song and my
adrenaline starts to flow.
Get Rid Of Negative People From Your Life: Now, that might be
somewhat difficult if you are married to them, and I am not advocating
divorce but you need to surround yourself with a solid group of
positive, big thinking encouragers.
Send Out 35 Sales Letters Every Week Regardless: Get in the
habit of sending out at least that many letters to prospects every week.
No matter what, make sure they go out every Friday.
Get Computerised: Do you know how much moneymaking time you
waste trying to remember who your prospects are and when was the last
time you called them? If you want to make more money, get with it
technologically! I’m a big IBM user and Windows from Microsoft runs my
copy of ACT Contact Management software, I’d be lost without it.
Think Big: For heaven’s sake see the potential within you.
Someone once told me that my yearly income (low six figures at the time)
was garbage. “Garbage?” Yes, it’s garbage for you to make that much a
year when you have the potential to earn that much in a month! I had
never ever entertained the idea that I could. I did it. Now, I am
working on how I can do that much in a day. (Once I figure that one out
I’ll let you know, then I’ll figure out how to do it in an hour!)
Learn From Your Mistakes: Every sales job has some “failure
factor” in it. Learn and keep on going.
Stop “Trying”: “Trying” to do something is a cop out. Either do
it or don’t, but stop lying to yourself.
Create Special Offers: No matter what you sell, you can create a
special offer which will put you in a favourable light in the eyes of
prospects.
Write A Special Report: If you are in selling, you are in
solving. What do you solve for people? Write a 10 pages report, offer it
to your prospects for Free and your telephone will ring off the wall.
Give Up Manipulation Tricks: Stop using those silly closing
tricks you learned about how to make the buyer buy. No, instead, listen
to them, build trust and they will buy.
Put Your Message On Video: Put your entire sales presentation on
video and offer it for Free and prospects will see that you are
different from the competition.
Use Contact Cards: A contact card is a postcard that is printed
on both sides. One side has your picture “A Note From…” and your
telephone and fax numbers. Keep 20 of them on you always with postage
stamps already on them. After each sales call, jot a note to your
prospect, drop it in the mail box. You will create a prositive
impression.
Write A U.S.P.: A U.S.P. stand for Unique Selling Proposotion.
What is your number one competitive selling advantage? It should be
brief, exciting and should compel people to want to know more.
Realise That Your Past Clients Are Gold: You will starve if you
have to continue to find new customers. Repackage what you sell and
visit them again and again and again.
Make A Deal With Your Competitors: Do you have prospects that
you have been unable to sell? Why not go to a competitor and let them
have a try. They might be able to sell people you were unable to and pay
you part of what they make. You do the same for their list of dead
prospects.
Deliver Fast: Society is impatient. People will not put up with
slow delivery.
Got Nuts With Follow-up: I’m serious, you will never offend
someone by sending them cartoons through the fax or dropping a “Thank
you” note. It will tell them you value the relationship.
Think Long-Term: If you are in it for the one off sale, you wil
be hungry and poor in this business. Everything you do should be
focussed on keeping this customer for the next 20 years.
Hand Address Envelopes.: My research and that of other experts
in this area indicates a significantly higher percentage of mail is
opened and read if it’s hand written.
Be Confident: If you have confidence in yourself, your product,
your company, prospects will have confidence in you. If they have
confidence in you they are much more likely to buy from you.
Get Related Quickly: Establish rapport with prospects quickly by
finding something that relates the two of you. It could be a hobby, a
common interest, faith, children but find something.
Ask More Questions: People want to know that you understand what
they are going through. Why not ask twice as many questions on your next
sales call and see what happens.
Become A Single Figure: Remember that selling is more about
perception than about products. Get interviewed, write a book or a
booklet or a report. Produce a tape, give a speech or debate. Become
known.
Get Your Customers To Own You: By that, if you sell insureance,
make sure that when they think of insurance they think of you. If you
sell real estate they automatically think of you.
Use The Power Of Because: Every time you talk about or decribe a
benefit to your prospect for what you sell be sure to tell them why that
is important to them.
Don’t Be Like Archie Bunker: Archie, from the TV show, All In
The Family makes decisions arbitarily. Never do that, test everything.
Don’t do what you think is right. Do what the prospect thinks is right.
There is only one way to find that out and that’s to ask, test and
measure.
Keep Your Customers Happy At All Costs: If you fail in this area
(and most do, in my opinion) you will fail to build the greatest assets
in the sales world and that is a client base who trusts you.
Develop And Keep A Positive Attitude: I know of very few statues
erected to “cynics and critics”. Get happy! Read a good book or listen
to an inspiring message.
Be professional: Forget begging for business.
Hang Up On Jerks: When telemarketing if you encounter a “jerk”
(anyone who tries to make you feel bad) simply hang up and move on.
Sell To Help: People don’t care how much you know until they
know how much you care. Get your eyes off your commission and onto their
problems.
Sell At Your Location: There is something called “home court
advantage.” Get them to come to you if possible.
Break One Bad Habit Today: Pick one thing you know you should
stop doing (TV, gossip, smoking, coffee house,ect), decide to stop only
one thing. Get someone to hold you accountable, give them your plan and
break it, finally and forever.
List 10 Things you Like About Yourself: Work on building your
self-esteem. Sometimes it’s so easy to focus on all our flaws. Give
yourself a break today.
Set A Goal For The Year: What’s one thing you would really like
to accomplish in your selling this year? Write it on a small card and
carry it with you where ever you go.
Attract Prospects By Conducting A Seminar: This is a great way
for you to have people who are predisposed to buy what you sell step
forward and identify themselves. I speak to thousands of prospect per
week when I do a seminar tour. Why would you ever want to sell one
person at a time when you could sell in several?
Be Unique: Do something different. Fax everyone a cartoon. Send
people a dead flower and tell them that you can bring flowers back to
life with a special potion, all they have to do to find out how, is book
an appointment with you.
Get Funny: So many people are so uptight. Relax! Let your hair
down. It is a powerful sales tool. Humour can do for you in seconds what
talking wouldn’t in a lifetime.
Use Testimonials: One of the most powerful tools you can have is
the endorsements from satisfied clients.
Use Pictures: Pictures of satisfied clients go further than
lengthy letters. People are visual and if they see people just like them
they will think you are Okay.
Create Your Own Marketing Binder: Put any awards you have in the
binder along with photos, testimonial, product information, how you do
business, your sales presentation and leave it with prospects, so they
can evaluate you.
Be Prompt: When you make someone wait, it communicates lack of
respect for their time. Invest in a Rolex, it’ll help your image and it
will get you there on time.
Find The Real Objection: They don’t always feel comfortable
telling you the number problem at first.
Be Honest: I once caught a car salesperson in a small lie. I
shut down immediately. People more than any other factor, want to buy
from people they can trust.
Raise Your Referral Rates: After surveying over 5,000
salespeople in Malaysia, my research shows that the average salesperson
gets less than 10 per cent of their income from referrals, that’s
terrible.
Don’t Do Administration During Prime Selling Time: What are you
doing shuffling paper when you should be infront of prospects?
Stop Cold Calling: Get them coming to you. You can’t kiss
someone who is backing away from you. Cold calling, for the most part is
a function of prospect backing (or often, running) away from you. Give
them some compelling reason to come to you. A clue : the word FREE is
still one of the most loved words.
Welcome Complaints: You can turn around most complaints if you
are committed to winning. Make it easy and acceptable for them to tell
you how they feel about you.
Create Urgency: Every letter, every sales call, every marketing
piece must have a deadline.
Sell You Guarantee: If you have a guarantee, tell your prospects
about it more.Too many guarantees are full of small print and so
salespeople never get the advantage they were intended to create.
Ask For The Order: This simple advice is obvious! Or is it?
Don’t Be A Door Mat: If people are putting you or your company
down, stand up to them. You should have pride. You don’t need any
customer that much.
Save 10 Per Cent Of Everything You Earn: Starting with your next
payslip, put 10 per cent away for yourself. Why is it that we pay
everyone else but ourselves?
Join Toastmasters: They will teach you how to speak in public.
The benefits of that are tremendous for your sales presentation and
confidence. You can find their number in the Yellow Pages or you can use
the search engine found on the mainpage of this website.
Refuse To Quit: You will never win in selling if you give up. I
have felt like stopping about a million times (per week sometimes) but I
know that I’ll never learn anything from giving up except how to quit.
Get Organised: I use a Sharp orgainser for my schedule, contacts
and memo’s. It’s handy, easy to use and portable. Oh, I always back it
up and keep a hard copy of the data.
Take Resposibility For Your Results: You are the only person who
can improve your situation. You got yourself into it and you are the one
who will get yourself out.
Attach Something To Every Sales Letter: Put a coin, dollar bill,
anything. It will be novel and get people’s attention.
Sponsor a Community Event: Give back to your community and they
will give back to you.
Instead Of A Letter Send An Audio Cassette: You may have noticed
something called the “jam”. Instead of writing a letter, speak your
letter into a cassette and they will listen to it in their cars in the
“jam”.
Get On Everyone’s Mailing List: I love to learn from what people
send me.
Get Your Spending In Line: Credit can kill you. If you are
consistently spending more than you are earning you are in for a bad
time. Trust me, get rid of the credit cards, and cut back your expense.
You can’t sell well if you are worried about debt.
Use a Headline In Your Sales Letters: Also keep in mind that
every sales letter must have a P.S. You have less than five seconds to
capture their interest, headline and P.S.’s help.
Sponsor A Contest: This will give you a vehicle to bulid your
database in a hurry.
Record an Interview: Get your best friend, with the best voice
to ask you a series of questions and record it on audio cassette. Then
give it away to prospects. Title it An Interview with ….
If Possible Charge Differently Than Others: Make comparison
shopping difficult.
Clean Up Your Life: Everyone has certain things they have
procastinated on doing for ages. If you have been planning to clean that
desk of yours and it’s getting in the way of you increasing your
product, clean the stupid thing!
Qualify First: Don’t start selling until you have enough
information about what they need.
Assume Prospects Are NOT Liars: Most salespeople I know think
that prospects are liars and will do just about anything rather than
give you the truth. I assume they tell me the truth until they give me
some reason to not believe that.
Use The Telephone To Weed People Out, Not Prospect.: “Use the
telephone to disqualify non-buyers,” as Bill Good says.
Create Order In Your Client Base: You should have a list of all
your past contacts, past clients, hot prospects preferably on computer.
Position Yourself As An “Expert And Authority”: Even if you are
new to your industry you can be preceived as an expert. The way to do it
is with information. Write something, research something or print
something and you are an instant “expert”.
Get In Front Of The Right Person Or Don’t Waste Your Time.: So
many salespeople complain about not closing more sales but they spend
forever trying to sell to the wrong people. If the decision maker is the
managing director (MD) then you should stop talking to the director of
human resource. Figure how to get into the MD.
Under Pressure?: Take a day off.
Use Cross Promotions: Find someone who is in front of your
target market and get them to send a compelling offer to their client
base.
Hurry Up And finish this Article.: How much time do you have to
be off the job?
Remember Rockefeller: He said “Take something common and make it
uncommon.” Make what you sell or do extraodinary.
Build, manage and exploit your database: Your list of contacts
is one of the most valuable assets you have. Always add more names to
it. Get them coming to you by regularly creating offers that make them
step forward. Capture everyone’s name.
Get Rid Of Hassle Rules: If you can, get rid of all negative
rules like “No refunds without receipt” or “No cheque accepted.”
Blow Your Customers Away By Exceeding Their Expectation.: The
word of mouth benefits of doing this is fabulous.
Build A Wall Of Fame: In your office create a wall for all
letters of praise and endorsements.
Post My Article Every Week: This is not as self-serving as in
might appear. It will get people talking about similar things when it
comes to selling.
Give Something Away: People love getting Free Samples, Free
Offers, Reprots, Booklets, Tapes, Videos, etc.
Host An Annual Special Event for Your Past Clients: Want more
fererrals? Why not host a party, social, seminar, debate, forum once
every quarter and only invite your past clients?
Focus On The Customer Not On YOU: People don’t care about you,
your credentials, or your company. They care only about one thing :
THEMSELVES. More specifically, how spending their hard-earnd money will
solve their problems?
Snap To It!: Take your past client’s picture and send it to
them.
Keep In touch By Fax: Send a weekly or monthly report or
newsletter via the fax machine. Send a positive quotation of the day.
Start Your Own Association: A.A.R.P. is the American Association
for Retired People. It has 30 million members. Guess who started it? An
insurance company who wanted to sell to .. retired people.
93. Write A Book: I’m serious! If you knew what a book would do for
you and your sales, you’d be up for the nedt month writing it, beg,
borrow or steal the money to print it and it would be done. Give
yourself permission and reap the benefits. You don’t have to write the
next Gone with The Wind>/i> but just Eight Steps Winning in the 90′s.
Print A Personal Brouchure: Even if your company has a corporate
brochure, do one up on YOU. People don’t buy fron campanies they buy
from people. This will set you apart from the competition.
Increase The Size Of Each Sale: Ask for bigger orders.
Invest In Yourself: Get the best books, go to seminars, get a
support system. Spend money training yourself.
Be A Person Of Intergrity: Be a person your kids would be happy
to emulate.
Take A Break!: When was the last time you kissed yor spouse?
When was the last time you gave yourself fully to your kids?
Focus On The Journey Not The Prize: Selling is about becoming a
better person. It’s not really about hitting the home run. Sure that’s
important but what is more important are all the wonderful ways you are
better because you are a professional salespersons.
Pick Two Things From This Article And Start Doing Them.

Aug

22

The Blog Carnival of no Categories

Filed Under Blog Carnival, Browsing | Leave a Comment

Proudly presenting my very first Blog Carnival!

Looking at all these carnivals I realized that my very own blog would not be able to fit into the mold.
It just does not fit a category because I rant on so many things. I assume that there are others with
the same predicament, so I sat down and did some “think, think, think…”

What I came up with is a non-category category – a collection of mis-fit blogs.

Will see how this works and so here is the first result.

Mark Graybill presents Java, Javascript, and the Installation Hurdle
posted at An Infinite Number of Cats on Keyboards, saying, “Pros and cons of Java and JavaScript when
you’re trying to get students in a computer class to start using their skills outside of class.”

Kristie presents Bangalore’s Dancing Priests
posted at Norway – An American In Oslo.

Sarah presents Things to do besides EAT when you’re bored
posted at Low Stress Weight Loss.

Madeleine Begun Kane presents Dotty Men
posted at Mad Kane’s Humor Blog.

Tax Debt Help presents Top Bizarre Tax Laws By State
posted at Tax Debt Help.

Becky Patterson presents 50 Coolest Wildlife Videos On YouTube
posted at Become A Photographer,
saying, “To keep your curiosity satiated and your behind out of trouble, we have collected the 50 coolest wildlife videos on YouTube. From birth to death, they show the true circle of life, while getting in some laughs and tears as well.”

Debbie Owen presents 5 New Technologies That Will Be in Commercial Planes Soon
posted at Online Doctorate Degree,
saying, “Taking flight could mean some innovative changes in the near future. From wifi to planes with a smaller carbon footprint, the industry is changing to make flying easier and more manageable for flight crews and passengers.”

Carrie Oakley presents 50 Awesome Blog Posts for the Kindle Addict
posted at Online Colleges,
saying, “The following blog posts cover a wide spectrum of information regarding Amazon’s revolutionary e-reader, with everything from hacks to charitable causes represented. Kindle enthusiasts hoping to get the most out of their beloved devices should certainly read and think about what they have to say.”

Brown Sylvia presents 50 Best Blogs for Beating Food Addiction
posted at MedicalCodingCertification.com.

Diana Dang presents 15 All-Time Best Coming of Age Films
posted at Bachelor’s Degree.

Jay Smith presents 5 Violations You Didn’t Know Existed
posted at Criminal Justice University.

Maureen Denard presents The 50 Best Blogs By and About Grandparenting
posted at MSN Degree,
saying, “Ever wish your grandparents or parents ever wrote a journal of their lives? For more and more families, this is now a reality with the advancement of the internet. Loads of sites offer individuals free blogs to be maintained and updated as the writer wishes. As a result, many grandparents have turned to blogging, as well as reading blogs for people just like them.”

Mike Vogt presents 8 Famous Witches Burned at the Stake
posted at Christian Colleges Online.

Abby Nelson presents 50 Best Blogs for Marriage Advice
posted at Masters In Counseling,
saying, “Keeping your marriage strong and healthy is something that takes time, love, patience, and sometimes hard work. It helps to know where to go for advice when you have a difficult career like being a nurse practitioner, or when you have patients who are going through a rough patch in their marriages.”

Alvaro Fernandez presents Long-term effects of neurofeedback treatment for ADHD | SharpBrains
posted at SharpBrains,
saying, “Dr. David Rabiner discusses a recent study on whether neurofeedback actually has sustained benefits.”

The Budget Socialite presents TBS COMMANDMENT #1: Thou shall seek true love – when shopping!
posted at The Budget Socialite.

Zhu presents The Walls Are Talking
posted at Correr Es Mi Destino,
saying, “Every time I go to France, I like to take the pulse of the population and to sound out current issues. Graffiti and stickers can be found everywhere, and these little words written or stuck on urban fragments tell a lot about how people feel.”

Larry Dignan presents 30 Best Blogs to Learn More About Acupuncture
posted at MedicalCodingCertification.com.

Bridget Nicholson presents Everything You Need to Know to Become a Barefoot Runner
posted at Massage Therapy Schools.

Susan Kilroy presents 20 Dorm Room Posters to Avoid – Online Colleges and Universities
posted at Online Colleges and Universities Education Database.

Mark Davies presents 30 Strangest Presidential Gifts Ever Exchanged
posted at Online Masters Degree,
saying, “Here are thirty of the most unusual gifts that a United States president has received while in office, to enrich your knowledge of presidential trivia. We can’t say for sure that they’re the absolute strangest, but they’re certainly not something you could pick up at the local Hallmark store!”

GrrlScientist presents Free Money?
posted at This Scientific Life,
saying, “I just mailed a letter back to the comptroller for Columbia-Presbyterian Hospital [now: New York-Presbyterian Hospital], which promises a refund for one of several duplicate charges that the hospital levied against me for medical bills that were “unpaid.” I know I should be happy about this, but instead, I am very very angry. Why?”

Aparna presents Lemon as a beauty aid
posted at Beauty and Personal Grooming,
saying, “The diminutive lemon is a very versatile beauty-aid and this cheap and golden-coloured fruit has excellent properties for enhancing your looks. Simple lemon-based preparations, you can mix in your own kitchen, will surely bring a dramatic transformation in your beauty regimen.”

Jessica-toes presents Psycho Spud
posted at Time Flies When You’re Made of Sponge,
saying, “The Classic Psycho scene, potato style!”

Alex Carson presents 52 Weight Loss Tips That Celebrities Swear By
posted at Massage Therapy Schools.

Naomi Seldin presents 10 Rock Stars Who Went to an Ivy League School
posted at Online Colleges and Universities Education Database.

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of the carnival of no category using our carnival submission form.

Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

Technorati tags:
the carnival of no category,
blog carnival.

Aug

17

Clear Proof that Past Lives Exist

Filed Under Ideas, Inspiration, Philosophical, Video | Leave a Comment

Te video of a break-dancing toddler reminded me of another report, that, in my eyes, clearly shows that there are past lives which we sometimes access if the stimulus is just right. This report tells about a little girl that remembers that it knows Thai-dance, and can actually perform it well beyond the abilities of a child her age.

Watching this toddler performing his break dance…

…it makes a lot more sense to me that he or his body remembers from last time around when he was a real good break dancer than to shoe-horn accepted reality into the observable facts and believe that this little guy who is called a ‘toddler’ for a reason has suddenly left all toddling behind just because I had observed some break dancers for a while. Even if the dad is an accomplished break dancer that would not explain his ability to control his body well beyond what other toddlers can do. I had seen and heard my dad sing opera all the time, but I could not do that! And I am sure that there are kids of accomplished pianists that see their parent practice for hours every day that don’t suddenly start ripping some Chopin.

Anybody else with clear proof that past lives exist?

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Aug

16

The Japanese Tourist v. the Turkish Ice Cream Vendor

Filed Under Culture, Fun Stuff, Video | Leave a Comment

This is a really funny video, even though it’s at the expense of a poor Japanese tourist. Here we go…

Judging from the multitude of videos with similar content it appears to be some part of the Turkish culture that is even exported to other countries.

Trying to imagine how this would work in Germany which imported lots of Turkish ‘guest-workers’ in the 60s and 70s. Maybe this Turkish-Ice-Cream gig is something newer because I have never seen it while I lived in Germany. There were certainly plenty of Turkish ice-cream parlors and ice-cream cafes in Germany after the work, for which the workers had been imported initially, went away and these Turkish workers did not want to go back and had to find something else to support them.

Turks opened ice-cream shops just as the Italians opened pizza restaurants.

Maybe some Turks tried this ice-cream trick but word must have gotten around that it’s not advisable to play this trick on German males if you wanted to keep your nose un-bloody.

Aug

16

A Guy’s Real Fairy Tale

Filed Under Fun Stuff, Stories | Leave a Comment

Without further comment, a story forwarded by Beverly (thanks, Bev!)

A Guys Fairy Tale…

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess…

“Will you marry me?”
The Princess said “NO!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after and

collected firearms and
rode motorcycles and
went fishing and hunting and
played golf and
dated women half his age and
drank beer and scotch and
had tons of money in the bank and
left the toilet seat up and
farted whenever he wanted.

The End.

Aug

13

DaVinci’s Really Early Works

Filed Under Art, Computer, Fun Stuff | Leave a Comment

I just ran into a big problem of today’s web search technology. Sure, Google made things a bit easier compared to the early players in the market like AltaVista (who does still remember that?) but if you search for something of which you only have a picture in your mind, Google fails totally.

I was after an image I had seen once, most likely on the site Worth1000.com, of a photo-shopped MC Escher picture, drawn by a very young Escher and graded by his art teacher.

I remembered that I might have seen it on BoingBoing.net, but, can you believe it, I did not find a search function on that site! OK, so Google has BoingBoing probably indexed in its entirety so I searched for worth1000 site:boingboing.net but did not see any search result that might be the right one.

The search function on worth1000 also was of no help.

What now?

I remembered that I had this image once published in a post of a long defunct web site. I rarely throw data away because storage is so cheap, so I was off to some Google desktop searches because I was sure that the source files for that web site were still somewhere on my machine. To no avail, but I guess mostly attributed to the fact that I misspelled Escher as Esher – darn, how Americanized I am! But then again, I just tried again and there are indeed no search results for Escher on my computer either.

Back to basics: go to the top level directory where that image file might be if it was indeed there, use the windows 7 search for all *.jpg files and display thumbnails.

And there it finally was!

With the textual information in that image “Dream House” and Maurits I could finally locate the whole series Childhood Renaissance 3 on Worth1000. After all this effort looking for this image I certainly had to look through – and enjoy – the rest of the entries to this contest, and this one here I liked the best…

I heard recently a rumor that Google actually attempts to remedy the shortcomings I encountered. This rumor told that Google is now starting to attempt to OCR the images in its index and adding whatever it finds as textual, searchable info to its index. Would not have helped in my case as I did not remember that the words ‘dream house’ and Escher’s first name were in the image, but I can imagine that it will help many.

Aug

4

Hell – exothermic, or endothermic?

Filed Under Fun Stuff, Stories | Leave a Comment

Thanks, Kathie, for passing on this story…

The following is an actual question given on a university chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle ‘s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over! The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct….. .leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God!’

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

… and probably a job in Hollywood as a writer for one of the better comedians – - or maybe he should pursue a carrier of his own.

Jul

24

NSU Prinz 4 – My First Car

Filed Under Diary, History, Reminiscence | Leave a Comment

First I read in an auto-biography about the writers first cars. He thinks that you might forget the name of your first girlfriend or the birthday of your first wife, but you will forever remember your first car.

And then Dark Roasted Blend has a post about Adorable Micro Cars which, deplorably, leaves out my first car.

So, I decide to research what I can still find out about my first car and report about it here – all this despite the fact that I still know my first girlfriends name and my first wife’s birthday.

My first car was an NSU Prinz 4 (prinz = prince) which I bought for 1050 German Marks at the very end of my high school days in preparation of going to college, a half hour drive away. My web research showed me that my memory of it’s shape was not quite clean any more – this is what I found it looked…

…and I am one hundred percent sure that it was blue. No, I am not female! And, no, this is not my girlfriend, and neither is this me.

We did some good trips together and for one of the trips where I planned to sleep in the car I actually got my tools out and converted the passenger seat to a full reclining seat. It was indeed used and came handy in some other occasions as well.

But one day, in early December, on the way to a lecture on math, or was it physical mechanics, poor littel Prinz 4 came to a sputtering halt and all attempts to convince him to start up again failed. When dad was done with his daily work, we got the rope out and pulled le petite prince home and he got a place in he garage because he was sick – and I wanted to doctor on him.

We had pretty good service manuals for all kinds of cars for the do-it-yourselfer, so I got one of those and as soon as the winter break was upon us I was out in the garage with manual, hammer and wrench. But all attempts to fix this baby were met with persistent resistance and finally I broke down and pulled Mr. Prinz down to the dealership, for them to take a look. The first test they did, which I could not because if required more than a hammer and a wrench – a compression test – revealed that one of the two cylinders had burned through and suddenly I understood many of he effects I had seen during my own doctoring – like flames back-firing out of the carburetor.

Repairing this was out of the question for this old baby, as the repairs would have been much more that the car was worth.

I did by a new (for me) car at the same dealer – a Ford Taunus 20M – a car which I owned the shortest of them all – because I totaled it on the way from the dealer to the (German) DMV to get the license plates…

Marion, September 5th

Jul

16

Your Tax-Dollar at Work – Bureaucrats

Filed Under Fun Stuff, Politics, Stories, Weird | Leave a Comment

I have no idea if the following story is true but it is a good one and from all we know about government, it is at least credible. Here we go…

The following is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department’s files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2009.

David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division..

Jared Parks
Land Protection Specialist
Eastern Shore Land Conservancy
District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here the dam and pond in question:

The owner of the property, being a good citizen (subject to his rulers) was quick and eloquent answering the official letter to set the record straight…

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/08 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood “debris” dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials “debris.”

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to commencing construction.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers’ Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2009? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

Just to round this out, some photos of the contractors…

Jul

6

A Gotcha of the Canonical Tag

Filed Under Computer, Internet, Marketing | Leave a Comment

One of the money-making enterprises on the web is our Tie-Dye Clothing web site. We had a very nice run after a bigger women’s magazine featured our shoulder and buddha bags. Sales went down two weeks after the buzz caused by that article ended and I thought that was to be expected. But when sales went away totally, I knew something was wrong and I started to investigate.

A Google search of ‘tie-dye clothing’ had shown us on the first page of the search engine results pretty consistently. But when I looked yesterday we were nowhere to be seen.

Did I make a Google-Boo-Boo that I was punished and sent to the end of the line?

Sure looked like it. But I could not imagine what I might have done there – always tried to be a good Google citizen. Sure, I had to do some more investigation.

Next thing to try was the search term that always showed us very much at the top of the SERPs – ‘tie-dye bags’. Yeah, we were still there but it was not right either:

First of all it did not say anything about tie-dye bags in the title and then look at the URL at the bottom – there is an extra .com tagged to the end of the correct URL, and that, obviously did net get a user to the right web page. Made sense now that we had not sold any bags lately.

Then I wanted to know when the main page had been indexed last. Firefox has the Google toolbar installed and next to the page rank indicator there is a drop down, one of which is ‘Cached snapshot of page’ which I often use to inspect how Google sees my pages and to find the date of the last cached version, which should be about the time when Google came visiting the last time.

To my great surprise, when I clicked that link, I got to the error page that indicated that the link pointed to – again -

www.thaidye.com.com

Now it was clear that Google had a bug and it was costing me money!

Next stop of my investigation was the webmaster tools – could not find anything wrong here, and then I was off to the webmaster forum, where I described the bug, Google has, and asked for help.

The answer was quick to come. Bob Gladstein set me straight, real quick – not Google’s fault but all mine. Here is what I realized after seeing Bob’s observation:

When I had learned about the canonical tag a while ago, I thought that this was a great idea and I found a plugin for my blogs quickly to utilize it. On the ThaiDye web site, which is completely hand crafted, I thought that I implement that as well and I added this line in the header section of the main page

<link rel=”canonical” href=”http://www.Thaidye.com.com” />

proud as can be about how smart I am, not noticing that in copy and pasting I got that extra .com in there. I actually don’t know how long ago I did that, but it finally bit me in the butt. I found out that the product page, which might be hit by quite a few different URL – with parameters, etc. – also had the double com canonical link command but is now back in it’s old beauty as

http://www.thaidye.com/products.php to show all our amazing tie-dye in the right way

I just wish there was something in the Google webmaster tools to correct the boo-boo I made, like the URL removal tool, but it does not appear to be the case. So I just sit tight and wait for Google to come by and read my corrected web pages.