Tag Archives: Five Minutes

How to Call the Police When You are Old

I received the following story through one of those typical email blasts – but this one did not say that I have to forward it if I don’t want to roast in hell. It is good enough to not need such encouragement. Without further ado…

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”

He said “No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.”

Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”

George said, “Okay.”

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them.” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “And I thought you said there was nobody available!”

I only remember once waiting for the cops after the alarm went off accidentally and I did not know how to handle this (new alarm!) It look about four hours that a squad car showed up and I remember contemplating the possibility that I REALLY needed them. Now I know what to do – beside being prepared to handle things myself the way George made the cops believe he had.

Oh, yes, do you know that the police, sheriff and cohorts do not have a duty to protect and  help you?

The Female Language Lesson

We all have heard, and hopefully understand, that men and women do not speak the same language, even though they might use the same words and passed the same SAT.

A good treatize is to be found in the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray, Ph.D. – but sometimes you need some quick crash course and this is where this article comes in.

Once you know these nine essential female words you are all set – – – mostly…

  1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
  2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
  3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
  4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
  5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
  6. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
  7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’. that will bring on a ‘whatever’).
  8. Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying F— YOU!
  9. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.